I wrote the other day about ‘stuff’ and our accumulation of it. How it can trap us, or it certainly did me. Since then, I’ve had some more thoughts about it as I try to bring together my love for beautiful things and the thoughts I am increasingly having about ‘stuff’. And I had something of an ‘aha’ moment.
There were two things associated with the ‘stuff’ I used to have when I had a lot of it. One was that some of it was bought on debt finance. And the other was that some of it was given to me to be heirlooms without my thinking what that meant for me. My ‘aha’ moment also came with two aspects to it, now I think about it, which matches these.
The first one was – don’t get into debt to acquire ‘stuff’. If you can’t afford it, save up for it if it’s really important to you. I think we’ve lost the art of doing this in modern times. We have this sense of needing to have everything ‘now’ rather than waiting. Because, in the wait, perhaps we don’t really, really want it. That’s one good thing not having money has done for me, it has made me think before I do invest the money I do have into something. Do I really want it? Is it worth the investment of this resource into it? Invariably, the answer comes back ‘no’. Before, I would have just bought it unthinkingly. Which was how every room came to be bursting with ‘stuff’. It wasn’t cluttered but it most certainly wasn’t minimalist. Yes, I like nice things. But it’s just as nice to observe them in the shop and leave it at that I’ve since found. Because if I am not constantly thinking about that thing then I don’t really want it. I certainly don’t need it. And if I bought it, it would be consigned to the scrapheap of ‘stuff’.
I did get into debt in the acquiring of some of this. Whether it was accessories for the house or clothes or anything along those lines. I also got into debt paying for presents for other people. Particularly my son who has shown himself to be completely uninterested in ‘stuff’. And I bought him endless presents for birthday and Christmas, again in a show to myself that I was successful, for him a lot of which he wasn’t especially bothered about. It was important to me that he opened a lot of presents because I didn’t. What I should have focused on was was it important to him. And the answer to that was, no. He usually got what he most wanted (some of the requests were outlandish when he was a lot younger!) and when he opened those, that was it. That was what he wanted to play with. He had no interest in the rest. It was about me putting my issues onto him. And now he’s older, he really isn’t bothered by ‘stuff’ at all. He wants what he wants, it’s usually a couple of things and he’s perfectly happy with that. I did the same with my husband, got into debt to buy him presents he didn’t really want or need. He was grateful for them but I forced ‘stuff’ onto him that wasn’t really his lifestyle either. It was about me proving that my childhood of scarcity was over…while irrevocably proving that at a subconscious level, it wasn’t.
What we could have done with more of was quality time together as a family. We did have those moments, the holidays and the like, but we didn’t have many. And the reason for that was because we were so busy maintaining all the ‘stuff’ and then not having the resources for the days out that they stopped happening. And as a family, we stopped having quality time together. We have actually started again and it’s been simply delightful. I know my son prefers that we spend quality time together and make memories rather than spend money on more ‘stuff’ if we were inclined to do so. Which we aren’t as much anymore.
The other aspect of the ‘stuff’ was that which was handed down. Furniture mostly. And while we were grateful (we did have our own that we gave up for this ‘stuff’), when I think about it now we were given furniture by mostly my parents so they could make way for new furniture…and it was accompanied by a hefty dose of emotional baggage. The stress I felt because I had given it up, at the thought of giving it up because of what my mother would say has been off the charts. She has grilled me about it, but the reality is – she didn’t want it! I was a receptacle for her unwanted ‘stuff’ so that she could go out and buy more that better suited the aesthetic she wanted. So, why should I carry the emotional baggage that went along with it? I’m not going to any longer, which has also made me determined not to pass that baggage on either. If my son likes any of my ‘stuff’ enough to keep it, fine. But if he wants to get rid of it at some point in the future that’s equally fine.
Which leads me on to something else that has been niggling away at me – inheritance. My grandfather worked himself into an early grave to make sure he left something behind. Why? He was beloved, he hasn’t been forgotten for a moment in the nearly 40 years since his passing. Neither has my grandmother in the almost 30 years since she passed. And I’ve kept their memory alive for my son without needing anything physical to show him other than the odd photograph. Why is there this drive to create an inheritance that can be a burden? Does anyone really want to benefit from the death of a loved one? Especially when a key beneficiary is the taxman! But inheritance can chain you to a house or a business that you’re not especially wanting but that there is an expectation you will keep hold of. What if your heir doesn’t want to run that business or live in that house? Why can’t they sell it? Or better still, sell it yourself if you know your heirs don’t want it and remove the burden. In that sense, my late father-in-law did have it right. He knew my husband did want the family business so handed it to him on his death but he would have been fine if my husband had wanted to sell it. Other than his property which he left to his partner, he left cash for his sons and grandchildren. There was no other ‘stuff’. And once the vultures were chased off, it’s made things very simple. Because there were no expectations of what was to happen with anything.
This thought process marks a very significant shift for me. It’s the culmination of a lot of learning, a lot of self-reflection, and a lot of changes in my mindset that have happened as a result of the events of the last 7 years. Funnily enough, corresponding with Uranus moving from Taurus and into Gemini as it does on the 26th April, the day after this will be published.
I have very strongly been guided on this journey by spirit and much of what I have written this past week has been guided also. I am still very much on my spiritual journey, I am still very guided by spirit on that journey, and I know there is more to come. But closing this chapter is a huge stride forward that I am incredibly grateful to finally be making.
Louisa Simpson 