Judgement. It’s an interesting thing, isn’t it? We are likely all guilty of doing it and equally as likely to be on the receiving end of it. But I just wondered as I sat here, reading a news site and judging others, what makes us do it? Where does it lead? And what might happen if we stopped?
Eating my breakfast this morning, I sat and idly flicked through a news website. Not really alighting on anything, just seeing what the headlines were in both real news and entertainment news. I caught sight of a news item about an actor in his 50’s and his wife in her 30’s and I thought ‘eww, she’s 25 years younger than him’ and I judged. Then I caught myself, asked myself the question: why am I judging? What does it matter to me what the ages of these people are? If there is no abuse in the relationship (and let’s face it, there doesn’t need to be an age gap to be abuse) what on earth does it matter? If they are two happily married people, how do their decisions even remotely impact me and my life? The simple answer is, they don’t. They don’t even impact my life if they are unhappy, though I hope they aren’t as I would hope anyone isn’t unhappy. So, why did I rush to judge?
Similarly, I was looking at some of the red carpet outfits from an awards show. And I found myself judging women because their dress was too low cut and I judged them too old for the look. Or because their dress was see-through which I decided in that moment was offensive. And, again, I thought why do I feel this way? When on earth would I be on the red carpet, so why am I bothered by what women who are on it wear? I haven’t worn a ballgown or evening dress in years and the chances of me doing so in the near future are looking remote as I sit here writing (you never know, an invite might show up out of the blue!). So, why am I judging the choices of other people? Particularly women.
I was judging a woman for marrying a much older man as I was judging women for wearing clothes that I personally, right now, would not wear. That were revealing. And I just wondered…where does that come from? I realised that I have taken on board the almost indoctrination of society and the media. How when a woman marries a much older man it must be because of his wealth and status, not because she genuinely loves him. And yet I know a couple with a 25 year age gap, and they are very happy together and genuinely in love. They have been for about 20 years. I also know a couple with a 15 year age gap, and they too are very happy, have been for nearly 20 years. My father-in-law is in a relationship with a woman who is almost 20 years younger than him, and they are very happy. None of these women married or are in a relationship with the older man for their money or status – they aren’t hard up but they aren’t wealthy and, really, in terms of status there isn’t any. And I don’t mean that disparagingly, there just isn’t.
I am equally sure it works the other way around, that men can be in love with older women. Look at the Macrons. Yes, there was that scene of domestic abuse (her on him), but Emmanuel Macron loved Brigitte so much that he eschewed any relationship with a woman his age and therefore the chance to have children. I don’t know if he ever wanted them, but he gave up that opportunity for love. My mother and stepfather have an almost 11 year age gap and if there is any unhappiness in their relationship it isn’t because of the age gap. I’ve had age gap relationships (albeit 5 years being the maximum), and I don’t think it was age that got in the way of them as much as it was me and my insecurities.
And yet, as a society, we judge. It’s not the ‘norm’, apparently. And I am again pulled back to the point – who said? Throughout history, older men have married younger women. And older women have had relationships with younger men. The scandal wasn’t usually the age gap it was the circumstances around the relationships. Yet today, we have this very Victorian attitude towards relationships. We’ve adopted a narrative as the norm unquestioningly because it is one that is peddled by the media. Who shape society. Why have we allowed that to happen?
Judgement often comes from the media which is locked, it feels, in the period in history where it exploded. The Victorian times. Which were in and of themselves a repudiation of the more ‘debauched’ Georgian times. Who decided they were debauched times? The media. Everyone is shocked when they hear that Queen Victoria had a very healthy sex life but she just leant her name to judgement, the media led the cause. And as the media and its influence grew, so did our indoctrination and therefore our judgement of others. Spending our time trying to live up to exacting, nigh-on impossible, standards that aren’t who we truly are.
Look what happened in the 1920’s with the ‘flappers’. The women whose futures had been brutally ripped away from them by war, whose certainties had evaporated over four years of ceaseless and pretty pointless bloodshed. Women whose husbands, fathers, brothers, lovers had returned – if they returned at all – a shell of their former selves both mentally and sometimes physically. Women who had had employment for the first time in ‘men’s jobs’ and were brutally kicked out of those jobs at the end of the war and expected to go back to hearth and home. Why shouldn’t they reject that? But they were shamed in a media that suppressed all mention of the horrific violence being shown towards women by these men. Men who didn’t return to a ‘land fit for heroes’ but to a broken country that had nothing for them. So, if women enforced their independence, if they threw away the girdles, who could blame them? Some of them had no other choice thanks to the war. But the media, and society, judged them harshly and almost enjoyed the fact that the 1929 crash and the Great Depression of the 1930’s curtailed their emerging freedom.
Then came the 1960’s when, again, people tried to break out. They wanted something new, a new way of looking at things. And who is to say they were wrong? Why were they wrong? The simple answer is, they weren’t any more than those who wanted to keep the status quo were. People can co-exist side-by-side with different views and opinions, living different ways of life quite easily really if we live and let live. But the media can’t do that. The chattering, political classes can’t do that. And the major corporations can’t do that. We all have to be a homogenous whole. We all have to toe some nonsensical line that they have created and drip fed us through television, cinema and newspapers or, now, the online sphere. They have almost made it so that it’s okay to judge, as long as we are judging alongside them. As long as we are following their rules on what is and what is not, acceptable. Otherwise, why does the media always have to mention someone’s age? What possible use is that to anyone? Who cares how old the actor and his wife are? It absolutely should not matter.
As humans, we are pack animals but the modern human also displays the characteristics of the herd animal. We blindly follow the masses, in other words, rather than sticking to our own, small social groups of like-minded people. It doesn’t mean we are any better informed by following the masses, it doesn’t mean we think for ourselves. Quite the opposite. Even critical thinking nowadays is critical thinking along very narrow lines – follow what we mean by critical thinking, be a part of the herd. You are not allowed to think critically for yourself. Only as we tell you. It’s becoming more and more Orwellian. The internet hasn’t given us freedom, it’s just given others more ways to make sure we follow the acceptable line. But make sure you are whipped up into a frenzy of hysteria so you don’t bother to check the real truths that are out there if you looked for them.
I question most things now. If I see something that I might have some leaning towards, I check the source first before I read any further. And I do the same with those that I don’t lean towards. Just because I’m not wholly behind them, doesn’t mean that they aren’t saying things that are uncomfortable truths for me. And that is the point, I guess. We have to be prepared to accept uncomfortable truths rather than blindly following what we are being told by the algorithm. That my beliefs are propaganda if they don’t chime with yours, because yours are the ‘truth’ and not propaganda. Obviously (insert eye roll here). And because yours are the ‘truth’ and mine are propaganda, that entitles you to judge me. Let’s be clear, it doesn’t. Anymore than it entitles me to judge you.
Just for a moment, imagine if we stopped judging, if we started questioning more, if we accepted that there are uncomfortable truths that we need to face, including about ourselves, and that there are equally things we need to challenge rationally and openly, that we allowed that questioning. If we didn’t just blindly accept what people told us that made us judge but agreed to live and let live…I wonder, what would happen in the world? Would we, possibly, see more peace? More tolerance? More community?
Isn’t it time we started trying it to see if it works? Because the other way most certainly isn’t working.
Louisa Simpson 