What is it about death, or someone’s impending death, that brings the vultures to the fore?
A close relative of mine is, sadly, dying. It’s been a very sudden realisation brought on by an almost symptom-less disease that only manifested as a slight pain that went to be checked out. Unfortunately, the consultant did not tell my relative of the diagnosis for three months by which time it was too late for any treatment. That’s something that will be dealt with later, I’m sure. But the reality is, my relative will not be alive to see it. They have, at best, weeks. What has struck me as interesting, though, is how people behave in such times and the lessons to be learned from this.
Some people crawl out of the woodwork and act, in my view, like the old crones sitting around the guillotine during the French Revolution, knitting while some poor unsuspecting soul lost their head. People who my relative knows but who they haven’t really socialised with for a long time, have turned up at the hospital bedside. They aren’t exactly knitting, but it is as though they are sitting around watching the ghoulish spectacle of someone living their final days. They apparently are there to represent their family in this time of need. To give others a rest from the caring – yet there are plenty of family members attending to do so. And said family members leaving the hospital early because there are too many people around the bed. The crones don’t leave, the actual family members have to. Go figure.
And then there are the vultures. They’ve been circling ever since this outcome became known. Offering to purchase this and that, likely at a vastly reduced rate, to ‘help’ with private nursing and care this person does not need. The system steps in admirably to help with palliative care, as it is now doing. They are not making these offers to the family, no, they are making the offer to someone outside the family who is basically agreeing to sell things likely to pocket the cash. Despite the terms of the will. If the asset is gone, it’s essentially not in the will any longer is it? I suspect my relation is aware of this but perhaps not to the extent it’s happening. And the person buying everything is seeing a chance to make a buck. This person doesn’t get out of bed unless there’s a benefit to them, and given they haven’t been near the hospital I think that says everything, really.
My relation was always the life and soul of the party. The one who was invited everywhere, who was everyone’s friend and who often put all of this above his closest relations. It was more important for them to go to the party, to live their life as they wanted to live it no matter the impact on anyone else. I am sad they are dying, I am not going to eulogise them. To their family, they were not always the most pleasant of people. That said what has saddened me the most is that none of these friends my relative put above everything else has come by to visit. Not one. As far as I am aware, many of them have not telephoned. No longer the life and soul of the party, the friends have moved on from my relative already.
There are so many lessons on how to live your life to be learned on what is happening now. One is not to abuse your body if you don’t want it to come and bite you. Hard. The truth is the illness they are dying from is purely self-inflicted and has likely been in gestation for some time. Another is to keep your family close because when the chips are down, they are the only ones who will come to your aid. Friends come and go, family often doesn’t. Yet another is don’t live your life just for show. Don’t pretend you’re something you aren’t, because you will get found out and all the respect you thought you earned over your lifetime and which appeared to be so important to you, is wiped out in an instant. Finally, don’t try to deny death because you’ve lived your life in such a way you fear where you will end up. That is behind the resistance that is being waged at the moment to the inevitable. Of course, the main lesson is not to live your life in a way that you are afraid of where you will end up when death comes for you. But if you have, then accept you lived your life on your terms and go with grace. Resisting death is futile and just makes your own ending even more traumatic for you and everyone around you.
I have written this partly for my own sake, a type of catharsis because I can’t say it aloud to anyone. I’ve needed to vent and this seems like as good a place as any. If it helps someone, great. But I just needed to get it out for my own sake.
Louisa Simpson 