We are in a period of transition both at the macro and the micro level. It’s the inception of that transition so we may not notice its impact yet. Certainly not at the macro level where the Divine Masculine is still putting up its best defence against change. But at the micro level? If you look deeply at yourself, you might start seeing the signs.
A big lesson I have learned over the past few years is, unsurprisingly, that material things are really not that important. That Keeping Up With The Jones’s is really unimportant. And damaging. And that surrounding ourselves with ‘stuff’ is a form of prison. I was given this lesson once before when I had cancer, when I realised that being all-important in your career wasn’t as important as being loved by a family. Then, I shifted my mindset and managed to get myself that family and my career started to take more of a backseat. It did, though, bring up old wounds around being seen to be materially wealthy especially around the school gates. Almost certainly because I had keenly felt the lack of that in my senior school years, I was determined that my son wouldn’t. I was trying to Keep Up With The Jones’s while subconsciously backing out of my career. Unsurprisingly, the whole deck of cards came tumbling down. But it had to for me to learn that the process was nonsensical.
I had another health reminder of that with my heart attack. That all the material ‘stuff’ I had surrounded myself with meant nothing if it meant it ruined my health or led to my untimely death. Especially when it was collected to present a facade rather than reflecting what I was really interested in and enjoyed. The ‘stuff’ I had carried around with me that didn’t really reflect me, only reflected my desire to please and/or impress people. It wasn’t going to save me and it wasn’t going to be much consolation to my family after my passing. So, I gave up the fight and walked away. I tore off the mask and became more resolutely me. Which has had a surprisingly positive reaction from most people who didn’t quite know how to take the pretend me. I don’t blame them, I wouldn’t have either. I’m not sure I would have liked her much because I know I’m not keen on the people I tried to fit in with! People who, now I reflect on it, are pretty false themselves and often raging hypocrites. Certainly a lot more of do as I say rather than as I do. But that’s their problem, it’s no longer mine because they don’t want to know the real, impoverished version of me! Which is fine. I prefer my own authenticity and integrity now.
I do, though, sometimes wonder if I am slipping back. Because of wanting a statement house. Am I still wanting to say to those people I wouldn’t even invite there ‘look at me, I’m back and better than ever!’? Why? What would that achieve or solve? It would feed my ego, but is there a way in which it would feed my soul? I guess we are always a work in progress, aren’t we? What I’m doing professionally now is feeding my soul, the spiritual work I am doing on TikTok which I love, writing again on here (though still not books…), working on my Skool community and generally being busy. It doesn’t feel like work. But that isn’t the entirety of me or my life.
I love beautiful things. I love history, historical architecture and the aesthetic beauty of a lovely garden. There is a house I am particularly thinking of as I write this which is just stunning. It’s very heavily Georgian which is one of my favourite architectural periods, the gardens are gorgeous and the interior of the house is beautiful. And it’s in the area I would most like to live. It has woodland around it, natural ponds as well as an indoor swimming pool and exercise complex. There is nothing for me to dislike about it. It’s huge with many bedrooms but it does come across as a home. It has a wisteria-covered outdoor eating area and exactly the type of conservatory I love. It is ideal.
So, why am I beating myself up about wanting it? It appeals to the aesthete in me, it appeals to the historian in me, it appeals to me on every level. It has everything I have wanted in my ideal home. Okay I can’t afford it, even remotely at the moment. It would take a lottery win to enable me to buy it or some piece of absolutely outrageous good fortune with its £millions price tag. And I would need the money to keep coming in to afford to run it, live in it, hire the people to help me maintain and keep it. I know I am beating myself up because I think it’s me harking back to my Keeping Up With The Jones’s approach to life. It’s exactly the type of house I could blow the competition out of the market with!! And yet…I don’t want those people there. I don’t want to engage with them anymore. I don’t even care if they know about the house I am living in, their opinions aren’t important to me anymore. The only views I care about are the ones from the chair I could sit on in the beautiful garden as I write.
Then there is the little voice in my head that says wanting it with a view to owning it is absurd. That ‘someone like me’ couldn’t possibly have a house like that. I can’t go from living where I am, in the financial position I am currently in, to buying a £millions house. But, why can’t I? Why can that not happen? I’ve written a trilogy that receives nothing but excellent reviews from the people who have read it. I know I have read books that have been tremendously successful and have been written much worse so it’s not beyond the realm of possibility that my books earn a fortune. What would it take for me to push my books out there? Make them outrageous bestsellers? What would it take for me to get back to writing fiction again? Focus and dedication, basically. And belief that any of this can happen.
And, that’s my task for the day I guess. Work out a plan for time blocking that my ADHD brain will stick to, because that is one thing it will definitely take with my list of tasks at the moment. Be focused. Be dedicated. And by that, I mean be focused and dedicated not just on the writing but also the plan to bring more awareness of my books to the world. Be firm with myself and hold onto the belief that I can make this dream come true. Because I can. And I will.
If you’ve got this far, thank you for reading this stream of consciousness. It’s something I’ve been meaning to work through in myself for a while, and I appreciate your attention. If you’re interested, please check out my books (The Book of Sarah trilogy) on Amazon and if you like them, tell your friends! Thank you!
Louisa Simpson 