We all have negative feelings from time to time. It’s natural and can form part of a very important internal warning system. When it is about a lack of self-esteem, however, there are strategies to deploy that can help not only cope with negative feelings but also overcome them. External, macro, events can also elicit negative feelings within us and, again, there are coping mechanisms to deal with those.
We have a thought process that is repetitive and often very negative. We literally repeat thousands of the same thoughts every day, often beating ourselves up and which then prompt negative feelings and emotions. They reinforce any lack of self-esteem and can inhibit us from leading the life we truly wish to live. We cannot ignore that this happens and we cannot fight them with toxic positivity but with an acceptance of them, an acknowledgement of them and then a means of how to move beyond them.
Have you ever wondered why you can be walking down the street, feeling okay and not thinking about anything in particular and then suddenly it feels, your mood darkens and you feel negative. You feel pretty rubbish and you can’t think why. Well, the reason is because you have had one of these negative, repetitive thoughts pop into your head. If you live unconsciously, you will not even be aware of it. If you don’t monitor your thought process, you will not know exactly which thought triggered the negative feelings, just that they are there. So, one of the first things I do is examine what I have been thinking about that might be making me feel negative. I had an example just a couple of hours ago where a conversation I had just had made me feel negative. Not right. Off. I hadn’t made the link between my feelings and the conversation straight away, but I deployed one of my strategies to try and lift my mood and get to the bottom of it. The way in which I do that is to write out how I am feeling. I journal the fact that I am feeling meh and allow my thought process to roll until I get everything I didn’t know was there off my chest and I realised what was causing it. I acknowledged what it was, the situation, and I allowed myself to accept that it was having a negative impact on my feelings. Sometimes, that acknowledgement is enough. Knowing what it was, accepting it can mean that you move on. You move past it because you haven’t let it fester. You have taken it out, had a look at it and accepted and acknowledged it. Now, you can move on in a better frame of mind.
Sometimes your negative feelings might be because of one of those repetitive thoughts around, say, how you look. I know that I have a lot of negative repetitive thoughts about my weight. I always have and I am working on not always having them in the future. But, it’s a process. There is nothing more guaranteed to give me negative feelings than telling myself I am fat and reminding myself that I am not doing anything about it in terms of exercise and I am not consistent with regards to my diet. The trigger could be anything. Perhaps in that moment something I am wearing feels uncomfortable. Perhaps I get a glance at myself in the mirror. Maybe I see something on social media (yes, I succumb to that too). There are many things that might trigger me. Where I am trying to get to at the moment in the process is an acceptance of who I am and what I look like right now. It’s difficult because I have been conditioned that I must be slim. And, don’t get me wrong I do understand the health benefits of that. But that isn’t why I’ve been conditioned to be slim, it’s because it’s what society demands especially of women. To be model thin. Well, my body shape is not that way inclined so it’s always going to be a struggle from that perspective. Yet I have spent years yo-yo dieting – losing then gaining more back – and using some questionable practices into the bargain (not jabs though I’ve been tempted) in an attempt to create a body shape I am never going to have. I have spent countless money and hours on gyms. Honestly, I am the dream customer for the diet industry, guaranteed to have repeat business from. I can’t deny who I am at this current moment. I can’t sit there and, when the negative feelings come in say ‘I’m not fat’ because, frankly, I am. No, the way to pierce the bubble of self-flagellation is to accept where I am right here and now. And take personal responsibility for it. Then remind myself that yes, this is all true. I have done this to myself, and it is up to me to correct it. Which I will do in my own time. The negative feelings come from beating myself up so, I need to take the sting out of the whole issue so I don’t start calling myself horrible names and make myself feel worse. Again, it’s a case of saying to myself – ‘yeah, you’re right. And I will deal with it’. I’m not giving into the pity party. I am not surrendering to the limiting belief that drives my behaviour. I am acknowledging it but stating to myself that I am going to shift the dial on this without putting myself under more pressure. Because when I do that, the sneaky voice loves to remind me ‘you can’t stick to a diet’ which is true. I cannot deny that fact, the evidence speaks for itself. So, again, it’s acknowledging that but equally knowing I am researching ways in which I can be healthy, be me, and not put myself under the intense pressure of a diet and ridiculous workout regime that is unsustainable. I remind myself of what I am doing to help myself and I reiterate that consistantly.
That is one of the key aspects of defeating the negative feelings. Reminding yourself of all the times you have proven that what lies at the root of those negative feelings simply isn’t true. That you are lovable. That you’re not a failure. That you are worthy. And list all the ways that is true and keep repeating it to yourself at every opportunity. Counter those negative feelings with happier ones. When I’m feeling rubbish from a rejection and/or abandonment limiting belief perspective it’s usually because I have run a story in my head about being rejected and/or abandoned. It is a comfort zone for me, I realise that now. So, I have invented a counter story to the negative one. A positive story I run in my head instead. I don’t always remember to do that immediately, but eventually I pause and remember. As I say, it’s a process.
Things in the world are mad right now. The media is talking about the likelihood of World War III with all its terrifying connotations. And it’s natural to feel scared about it. The truth is, though, there is nothing we can do about these macro political issues. We cannot change what is happening around the world as much as we would love to. And I am not suggesting for a moment that we ignore what is going on, that we indulge in some spiritual bypassing. What I am saying is that we recognise there is nothing we as an individual can do to change what is happening. All we can change is our reaction to it. That is where our power lies. Is ranting on social media about a particular political party, for example, going to change their policies? No, not at all. They won’t even see what you’re saying. But you can, say, decide to provide practical help for the politics you do support. You can, obviously, not vote for those you don’t like and canvass and vote for those you do. It’s a different reaction that can actually make a difference. Shouting into the wind on social media may help shift the dial a bit amongst your friends, but mostly it just helps to increase your own feelings of stress and impotence. Adopt the Stephen Covey Circle of Concern/Circle of Influence approach (Google it) from his seminal work 7 Habits of Highly Effective People. You can also adopt it for micro issues in your everyday life. But the one thing it will do is reduce the negative feelings created by external events because you find a way to control your reaction and, potentially, channel it into something positive.
Negative feelings are something we all feel and are, of course, unpleasant by their nature. There are, however, a number of coping mechanisms which are not about toxic positivity or spiritual bypassing but simply reminding yourself that there is another way to approach things. Fundamentally, though, it is about being aware of your thoughts and feelings as much as possible so you can counteract the impact of negative thoughts and feelings on your mood and approach to life.
If you would like to know more about these coping mechanisms, please do email me on hello@louisasimpson.com for a conversation about coaching methods.
Louisa Simpson 