We are told that communication is at the heart of every relationship regardless of what that relationship is. And it is true. So, why are we so very bad at it at times?
The meaning of communication is not just what you say. It is how what you say is received and interpreted. This is often the thing that is least understood about communication and is the reason why it is both so important and not as straightforward as just, well, communicating.
I often talk about my favourite part of the brain – the Reticular Activating System (RAS) – which is where we process all the multitude of data we receive every second of the day. It processes that data via a number of different filters including your beliefs, your experiences, your expectations, your values, your emotions and so on and so forth. In a nanosecond, the data you receive has been interpreted and replayed back to you in a certain way. That is how you can completely miss something that the person standing next to you has just seen. For you, the data has been completely filtered out while it has been filtered in for the other person. I find it fascinating because it always makes me wonder – what am I not seeing, hearing or experiencing? And the answer always comes back – shift some of your beliefs etc. and find out.
When you are communicated with, via whatever method, your RAS filters that as well. And it replays to you how you receive it. So, someone may have said something completely innocuous to you but because of a range of filters (including how you expect this person to communicate with you based on how you feel about them and how you believe they feel about you), you have decided that perhaps they are being judgemental of you. And you react accordingly, likely putting the other person on the defensive because they have no idea why you have reacted in the way you have. It doesn’t have to be an issue that is unique to that person. It could be, for example, that you are in a relationship and perhaps you have subconscious fears of rejection. Your subconscious is on the lookout for any signal that it’s about to happen and so you might interpret something your partner has said as just that signal. Even if it isn’t. If you feel you are unlovable, you will interpret communication to prove that even if you are unaware that this is what is going on.
So, how do you get past this? How do you as the communicatee seek to interpret what is being communicated to you in a better way? Part of it is understanding what your beliefs (usually the limiting ones) are and doing the work to shift them. One way of doing that is taking the time to listen to your inner thoughts and hearing the negative ones. Taking that negative chatter out, examining it a bit (where does that come from) and challenge it. Ask for the evidence to prove that is true then ask for the evidence to prove it isn’t. I can pretty much guarantee that, eventually, the list of how it isn’t true will be longer than the list of how it is. Then when you hear that negative thought again, because you will, remind yourself of how it isn’t true. And keep the list of how it’s not true updated. It won’t take that long before you start to re-interpret the way in which you are being communicated with.
As the communicator, one of the easiest ways to know how what you have communicated has been received is to say ‘how did you hear/interpret what I’ve just said? How did it make you feel?’ and if it isn’t how you intended, explain how you wanted people to feel upon receipt. And try to re-explain what you did mean and what you said. Ask if necessary what you could have said or how you could have said it that would have been better. Sometimes prefacing ‘I don’t mean any disrespect/harm/upset/insult, but…’ puts someone on alert to feel exactly those things.
In a world where we are bombarded with communication via so many different routes and where that communication is becoming more divisive that unifying, taking a moment to check in with yourself or the other person could make a huge amount of difference to your relationship and your life.
Louisa Simpson 