Louisa Simpson

Loving ourselves is truly the key to living a happy, fulfilled life. If we love ourselves, we are open to others loving us and for us accepting that love. We have a sense of self-worth, self-belief and are more likely to succeed in what we choose to do.

So, how do you know if you don’t love yourself? And how do you start to do so?

One of the clues to know whether you truly do love yourself is if you put everyone else and their needs before you. It isn’t selfish to be clear with yourself what your needs are and that it isn’t acceptable for them not to be met. You stand in your own power, you are clear what your expectations of others are and what your red lines are in any kind of relationship. If those red lines are breached, you’re gone. They’re red lines for a reason and if you truly love yourself, you will know you are worth more than someone who wilfully went against your wishes or what is important to you. It may sound harsh but the truth is, if someone blasts through your red lines and you take them back after they apologise, the reality is that they will do it again and again. Because they can, because you allow it. However much you love someone, make sure you love you more.

When we don’t love ourselves we don’t look after ourselves. We don’t eat healthily, we don’t exercise, we don’t take care of our appearance to our own standards. What we are saying not just to ourselves but to the rest of the world is that we are not worth the effort. And that is how the world will treat us, as though we are not worth the effort. When we start looking after ourselves, though, there is a shift in how we are treated. This isn’t about conforming to societal stereotypes but is about respecting ourselves, loving ourselves, enough to value our bodies. Because if we value our bodies, we are also part of the way to valuing our mind and soul too.

When we love ourselves, value ourselves, esteem ourselves, we know who we are. We are open to our own quirks, to what makes us who we are. You celebrate the wonder that is you. If you have ADHD, you embrace that and understand how it makes you different from someone who does not, what strengths and weaknesses that gives you. You see it as something that is a part of you, it’s who you are and you manage it appropriately. You recognise that you are magnificent. We are all magnificent, recognising and celebrating it is what sets us apart.

There is a lot in life that can knock that sense of self-love particularly how we are raised as children. If we are raised to, essentially, not have regard for ourselves, if we are raised that to think we are marvellous is wrong then we simply will not see ourselves that way. If we suffer childhood trauma of some kind, it will erode our sense of self-worth, how we love ourselves.

The good news is, we can build our sense of self-love. I’m not a great one for repeating affirmations, my personal opinion is that they don’t really work. We can tell ourselves until we are blue in the face that we are wealthy but there will always be that little voice in our head, the one that’s seen the bank balance, saying ‘no you’re not, you’re broke’. The affirmation won’t work and the universe will hear and respond to ‘you’re broke’ because that’s the one with the belief behind it. I don’t think looking at yourself and saying ‘I love you’ works either because, again, there is that voice in you that will say ‘yes, but…’ and insert a reason you berate yourself.

In my view learning to love yourself comes from facing your shadow side. Looking at all the limiting beliefs and opinions that you hold and understanding why they exist. Usually, it’s to protect you from hurt and rejection of some kind. Your shadow side exists to do good believe it or not. So, thank it. Accept the role it has undertaken for you with gratitude and assimilate it back into you. You will never eradicate all of your shadow side but in accepting it is there, being grateful for what it is trying to do for you helps to neutralise some of the ways in which you beat yourself up.

It’s also really important to write down on a piece of paper all the things you love about yourself physically, emotionally and mentally. So, maybe you love your eyes or your hair is pretty fabulous. Maybe you know you are intelligent, that you’re kind, you’re loving, you’re creative. List all of these things out and when you’ve run out of things to write, challenge yourself to write more. You will be amazed at how much comes out of you in the end. Really immerse yourself in the exercise, embrace the passion with which you start to write. The sense of power and pride one can feel as you write this list, as you allow all of it to pour out of you. And when that doubt starts to creep back in, re-read the list, perhaps even re-write it adding more and more as you go. You will find that you’re need to write the list will decrease over time because you have started to embrace and accept the fact that you do love yourself. And you are immensely worthy of that love.

In loving yourself, also work through what it is you want your life to look like. Just you, no one else. Don’t allow the ‘oh but I can’t because of so and so’ to creep in, focus on exactly what you want in your life. That’s how you work through what your red lines are, what standing in your power actually is because you’re understanding your power. It’s looking at the relationships around you and thinking whether they reflect the love you feel for yourself. Does your partner truly support you or do they drain you? Do your friendships really reflect your power or do you relinquish it for your friends? Loving yourself is about ensuring the way in which your relationships operate reflects that fact.

If we don’t love ourselves, our chances of being loved are reduced. Or at least, we won’t be loved in the way we perhaps would like to be. And we will rarely reach our fullest potential. I know this because I am in the process of learning to love myself more. It will take time, but I will get there. As you will too.