I have felt the need to write something for a couple of days now, but I am really unsure what it is I want to say. Just that I want to say something, so here goes.
When you find someone you love with your whole heart, when you feel like you can’t get close enough to them because you love them so much. That you just want to absorb yourself into them to get closer, hang onto it. No matter what anyone says to you (unless they are abusive, of course), hang onto that love. It’s rare. It really doesn’t come along every time you meet someone you have a relationship with. In fact, I would go so far to say that it only happens the one time in your life. And you will regret it when it’s gone.
My advice would always be to go with your gut instinct. Go with the direction your soul is taking you in. Don’t listen to the people who don’t really understand your relationship – and as a hint, no one outside of your relationship truly understands it anymore than you understand their relationships. Listen to your intuition. It will never guide you wrong. If someone who should have your best interests at heart starts making comments that don’t go with the reality you are experiencing, question why they are making those comments. And go inside and listen to your heart, your soul. Because those people? Perhaps they should have your best interests, but they don’t always.
As a parent, I know what this means. I want my son to be happy but importantly, I am aware that means happiness on his terms. Not mine. He can have his hair styled however he wants, it is his hair after all. He can have the interests he wants, it’s his opinion at the end of the day. And he can have the ambitions he wants, it’s his life when all is said and done. Not mine. I am very clear that my role in his life is to guide him to be a decent human being, to take his place in society, and to understand his responsibilities to that society. The minutiae of his life is down to him because I have taught him to be responsible for his own thoughts and opinions. I have taught him how to reach them, and so I have taught him to own them. What they are is down to him, not me. When he starts having relationships, I will stand back from them and not seek to interfere but I will be there with guidance and support should he want it. I will always be there, in the background, supporting and guiding him. When he wants it.
My parents have not behaved in that way, and I have paid the price. That love I mentioned? Given up because of parental pressure over years that I couldn’t withstand anymore. I tried, I absorbed it for years but in the end it got too much. And because of my childhood, I was so scared of being rejected by them I did what they asked. I didn’t know words like narcissists then. I knew they were controlling to an extent but I fooled myself into thinking I was close to my mother – which was true as long as I was doing what she wanted. They froze me out when I wasn’t. I was still grieving my beloved grandmother and felt that I had no family left if I didn’t have them, so I ended up capitulating.
I take full responsibility for that. It’s been no different with the man who is now my husband, they have treated him appallingly and me when they have tried to intervene in our relationship. It really has been incredibly difficult at times. But I learned a lesson from that lost love. As for that love, he went on to marry and having children and create a lovely life for himself, and I’m pleased for him for that.
I will always have a place in my heart for him and I learned valuable lessons from the time we had together. Most importantly of all, to allow my child to live his life on his terms. Not mine.
I don’t know why I needed to get all of that off my chest now, but I did. I hope, if nothing else, it might help someone reading this to think twice about giving into pressure and walking away from something that is very important to them. Because believe me, the regret is not worth it. And if my experience is anything to go by, the sacrifice you make will only encourage those people to continue to pressure you to live your life on their terms. It won’t be recognised, your pain won’t be acknowledged, and they don’t have to live with the heartbreak you will undoubtedly feel. Only you do.
It isn’t worth it.
Louisa Simpson 