I am writing a daily blog to work through overcoming homelessness and detail the fresh start I am embarking upon with my family.
Just now I thought about writing this blog and what it is I might say today. And I found myself thinking…this is a place where I am going to hold myself accountable. I have wanted a fresh start for the longest of times, but I have repeated old behaviour. I haven’t got myself into the mindset of a fresh start, just fallen back into the pit of despair. So, I thought…what have I/am I doing to reflect that fresh start I want to have?
I detailed the other day how I am working on my past being just that – my past and firmly behind me. But I haven’t articulated to myself what that actually means. Does it mean a physical move away from the area I currently live? And what does that mean for how I am cementing connections with people I previously had an acquaintance with? Does it mean shifting my thoughts on my career? And how does that fit with my desire to be a successful writer? Can I only be free from the past when I have paid off all the money I owe? Or can I do a Salt Path-type approach and just run away and live completely off-grid with my family? Obviously that last one is a non-starter, but it’s something to ponder on generally because can I free myself from my past when debt is hanging over me? And then I realised how this is so typical of me.
I don’t like examining my emotions, I’ve said that here before. In fact, I very much like glossing over them and moving on. I dislike, intensely, immersing myself into something that may even make me feel uncomfortable let alone feel pain. This has meant that I have often been quite superficial in my approach, taking an ill-thought through path insofar as I tell myself I am taking a certain approach but really, it’s so top-level I haven’t truly shifted my mindset. I’ve just done a few things on the surface differently. But the me underneath is still very much the same. Usually not very well explored or understood, and clinging to the same traumas and unconscious mindsets that I always have. But as I am changing, I am seeing this more and am challenging myself to shift and move. It is decidedly uncomfortable very often.
I’m quite an alpha personality so when I ask myself the questions I’ve outlined above and I don’t really have an answer, my levels of discomfort increase. Because in my egoic mind, I have to have answers to these questions. I have to know the direction of travel because if I don’t, that means just moving with the flotsam of life and being aimless something I have always told myself I cannot be. I have to be focused, ambitious, I have to know where I am going. What the plan is, I guess, though rarely is there a plan. But as I write this, I realise that is not me at a soul level. I’ve never had the scripted career plan I know other people have. I’ve been like a magpie and been attracted by the ‘shiny’ things that have appealed to me for a variety of reasons. That’s not superficial I don’t think because there is always a theme in there – how can I help people, how can I enjoy culture and heritage and help expand that to people, how can I grow an economy sustainably to provide benefit for those benefitting the least currently. That has been a driver for me, always. I just didn’t want what I felt was the constraints (for me) of a mapped out career path. And for a variety of reasons, I no longer want to follow that particular career in economic development and growth. I no longer have the tolerance for the politics and the politicians.
So, what am I working towards at a soul level? So far everything has been very egoic and that has not got me very far in many respects. I was tempted to write here that my soul doesn’t care about where I live, but that actually isn’t true. And while I am making some deep connections in the area I currently live, connections I’ve not had before, this place is not where I want to live long term. That doesn’t mean I can’t maintain the connections I have made. No, I yearn for somewhere that is redolent with history and heritage. My dreams and the excitement I felt at the prospect I had of living somewhere like that tells me that much. Where I am currently has had most of its heritage ripped out. I want somewhere that has a market square, somewhere larger than a village but not a town so a market town, historic buildings, maybe a castle even if it’s only the ruins and a stately home nearby preferably. Finally, being surrounded by a countryside I can walk in freely, especially if there is a forest nearby and is not so inland going to the coast is a real trek. And somewhere that has a strong sense of community. It doesn’t really matter to me where that is, just that those are the requirements.
And with regard to my career, that is firmly in writing. I want to do community projects, I still want to help people in any way I can. I have worked on projects aimed at combating loneliness, I know how devastating it can be. I’ve suffered loneliness myself and know that community, a sense of connection, can help overcome it. Maybe I can do something about that with my writing but I can also do something about that through volunteering my time, skills and service to the community, helping to foster that sense of connection. I’m realising that things aren’t necessarily an either/or.
The alpha side of me wants to know the details on this, wants to know some definitives such as exactly where am I aiming to live. What does the house look like that I want? I don’t know is the simple answer, and I’m realising that doesn’t matter. Because it’s the feeling I’m trying to get, not the place. The sense of attachment to history and heritage which is so important to me, the sense of community and being a part of something, feeling connection, which is also important to me. If I trust the process, the ideal location will make itself known to me. And part of the new start has to be about trusting the process, holding the vision and letting the rest happen.
I am going to make the changes to my books that have been suggested, spend time working on that so they can be the best they can be. Accepting the constructive criticism that was given and adopt it into rewrites. Committing to that and focusing on it. Because the vision for that is to be tremendously successful. Yes, I know that most writers don’t achieve huge success but some do. And I am going to be one of them.
This time next year not only will I have sold a huge amount of books, I will have just started a Masters in Creative Writing through Cambridge University which I really want to do (it starts next September and costs £20k). I will be debt-free so will have fully released my past. We will be living in the area I have described, wherever that is exactly in the UK or even elsewhere in the world. And I will be working on the Ambridge book. Working towards that is what I will be holding myself accountable for on this blog now.
Because I am thriving. I am soaring. I am successful. And I am eternally grateful.
Louisa Simpson 