I am writing a daily blog about my family and I being homeless as a way of processing my emotions about this situation and to take the lessons learned from it. And if I help someone else along the way, that will make me very happy.
Covid. That’s why I didn’t write yesterday. I didn’t do anything much other than sleep to be honest. A contrast to my productivity of the day before! But I let myself stay in bed, something I have rarely ever done before when ill. I allowed myself to sleep when I needed to, and to not think or worry about the stuff I wasn’t doing. Believe me when I say this is not normal behaviour for me – and I’ve had Covid before, worse than I have it this time.
When I’ve been ill before in my life, I often didn’t even curl up on the sofa and watch TV. I would feel as though I should be ‘doing’ something. Always ‘doing’ something. And I would feel guilty if I wasn’t. When my husband visited me in hospital, minutes after the procedure to relieve my heart attack, the first thing I asked was for him to bring my laptop and briefcase to the hospital so I could do some writing. Why is there this guilt about doing what the body needs and resting? This sense that in giving into it, we are being lazy in some way. I honestly don’t think I am alone in this.
I have learned – and forgotten – this lesson before. Before I had cancer, I would struggle into work with a heavy cold, probably spreading it all over the place, because I thought ‘it’s only a cold’. But it isn’t only a cold, for someone else it can be a very risky prospect. In hindsight, the fact that I spent the best part of six months with a cold before I was diagnosed with cancer was a red flag I completely ignored. After cancer, I didn’t see illness in the same way. Possibly because my immune system was obviously still compromised and I thanked sick people for staying away from me, but also possibly because I had realised that if the body is saying it needs to rest, then that’s what it needs to do to recover much more quickly. Trust me, rushing back to work earns you no medals. It doesn’t stop you from being made redundant. And the organisation will always carry on without you. You are not a hero, no one really thanks you for it. And they certainly aren’t there to look after you when you get really sick. But over the years, I forgot the learning and went back to my default position.
What has this got to do with homelessness? Well, realising this is part of the lessons journey I am on, that I have decided to embrace rather than push to one side. To work through the traits of the me that landed me in this situation so I can understand them, and move on from them.
While I was staring down the gun of all the financial problems, I would get really busy ‘doing’. I would rush around, mindlessly applying for jobs or working out ways in which to bring money in. It was all completely ego-centred and a fight or flight response rather than something that was measured, thought through and about who I truly am. Since becoming homeless, which the ‘doing’ didn’t stop from happening, I’ve taken a step back and started focusing on ‘being’. There is a part of me that says this is an indulgence I cannot afford, but there is another part of me that says this is something I should have done all along.
I am intrigued by the tarot and there is a card in the tarot The Tower which is about when things fall apart. It isn’t a bad card necessarily, it just says that sometimes things need to fall apart in order for them to be rebuilt. It’s a bit of a head wobble. My heart attack was one Tower moment, and I had a bit of a head wobble then but homelessness has become THE Tower moment for me. The thing that has really wobbled my head and made me reflect and look at myself and my previous behaviours. The fact I didn’t rest when I was sick being one of them. It’s also become the thing that has helped me to really focus down on what is important, and what I want. And because of that, I am grateful for this experience as mad as that probably sounds for some people.
Ironically, since being homeless I have played the lottery twice – you’d think I’d be doing it all the time in the hopes of winning something to get me out of this mess. And, yes, that would be wonderful. But I’ve decided to become my own lottery. I have finally – FINALLY! – been able to self-publish my third book as a paperback on Amazon, and I have always had the feeling that once that happens, things in my life will start to shift. And they will. I can’t wait to be writing this blog about all the marvellous things that have started to happen in my life, because I know they are going to happen.
But, for now, I am going to go back to bed and rest again today. To indulge in some reading, some Audiobook listening and in just taking care of myself. Self-care and self-love.
Because I am soaring. I am thriving. I am successful. And I am so grateful.
Louisa Simpson 