I am writing a daily blog about the fact that my family and I are homeless. I am writing it in part to explore my emotions about this fact as well as to learn the lessons that come from it. And if, in the process, I help someone then that makes me happy.
It is often said that if we are grateful for what we have, we will have more of it. If we see the positives in a situation rather than the negatives, we will see more positives. I think it is fair to say that I have spent far too much of my life seeing the negatives and ignoring the positives. I remember, when we lived in the house prior to our last one, standing at the kitchen door having to remind myself that I had a roof over my head, food on the table, a regular income, and a family. A whole host of things that made me incredibly privileged and that I took entirely for granted, that I did not appreciate as much as I should have.
I now realise just how very, very lucky I was.
I am embarrassed now that I would take any of that for granted. Because I was earning a very significant salary at the time, I was in a leadership position and while I may not have been enjoying my job, I had one. I can’t even remember now why I was feeling so ungrateful. Perhaps it was because I couldn’t immediately buy something I particularly wanted at that time. That is entitlement, and I am ashamed I felt that way given how hard so many people have life. What has brought this into stark relief for me is my son reminding me today that we do have things to be grateful for. Such as the fact that, while we are homeless, thanks to a friend we have a roof over our heads. A friend who has been incredibly kind to us and continues to be so. We do have food to eat and we can buy more. And that I do have an income even if it is currently courtesy of the government. That won’t always be the case because I will be making my own money very soon – I see the welfare system as a safety net, not something to utilise into perpetuity.
I have just seen a quote “What tried to break me, actually reinvented me” and that could not be more apt for me right now. There is a lot about this situation that has tried to break me – the relinquishing of a social standing, the loss of an address, the separation from my son as he stays at my parent’s, my mother’s behaviour towards me and the spiteful things she has said, and the uncertainty about many things. But it has actually reinvented me.
I am grateful for what I have now – I found a pair of shoes today that I thought I had left behind at the house, and I was so pleased they were amongst our stuff I cannot tell you! I know I am so much luckier than so many other people who find themselves in this situation, and for that I am truly grateful.
I am finding the pleasure in the little things now. I am focusing on the present moment and allowing the next moment to take care of itself, because it will. It will also be in part determined by what I do in the present moment so I am starting to make sure that is as intentional as I can.
And rather than break me, it has made me more determined. Determined to succeed. Determined to do things differently and be different. To not care so much about what people think of me, but to just be myself. To be much more clear about my expectations of other people rather than trying to pander to their expectations of me all the time. To have my boundaries and to stick to them. And determined that I will build my future on more solid foundations.
Because I am soaring. I am thriving. I am succeeding.
Louisa Simpson 