I am writing a daily blog about the fact I am, along with my husband and son, homeless. I am writing it in order to process my emotions about the situation and to try and take the lessons from it. If I help someone in the process, I will be very happy.
I am tired today. Early this morning I had a strong sense of anxiety, as though something was going to go wrong today. I didn’t know what it was particularly as things started so positively. Everything was absolutely fine, I went to see my son as I always do in the morning and my mum was fine with me. I went to the shops for her, got her some groceries as she asked (she paid), and then came back to spend some time with my son and do his home schooling with him. It was fine.
Until I had the temerity to disagree with my mother and in the process, use some evidence to back up my argument. Then, it all kicked off. Again. The same nastiness, accusations, sneering…a repeat of the other day. This time summarised with a declaration of how she doesn’t love me and only tolerates me for my son. And I don’t even care anymore.
I had thought after the conversation we had the other day that, perhaps, she had come to understand that she and I are different people and that I don’t need to be a carbon copy of her. But, that’s not true clearly. She may have understood in the moment, but it didn’t stick. Today, we were back to her trying to impose her dogmatic beliefs onto me, beliefs I fundamentally disagree with, and to her basically trying to demean me in any way she can think of. It’s not the first time it’s happened, it’s been a recurring feature in my life but I am pleased to say I am not that mother myself.
Can a parent be jealous of a child? Maybe. I’m not jealous of my son but then perhaps that’s because we are different genders. Perhaps mothers can be jealous of daughters and fathers of sons.
I have in the past wondered if she is jealous of me, as I can’t explain some of her behaviours any other way. Any relationship I have ever been in has been, according to her, because of what the man can get, not because of me as a person. When I think about it, she has been reinforcing a sense that I am unlovable and unlikeable. I don’t think that’s true, but it’s hard to hear. The overriding question, though, is why would someone do that to their child? Why would they say such things? Why would they always want to break up any relationship their child is in as she has with me? I don’t understand it.
Despite all of this, my mantra has remained ‘the universe always provides’. And in trusting the process, I know that the best is yet to come. A corner is being turned. I am not going to allow what my mother says to me and how she treats me to bring me down. I have a purpose and I will fulfil it.
Before, I would have seen what happened today as a sign that I need to ‘do’ something. I would have gone into a frenzy of ‘doing’ rather than ‘being’, I would have thrown myself into a whirlwind of activity like a Tasmanian Devil or something, trying to force an outcome. Not this time. Doing that before has never yielded anything positive, in fact quite the opposite. No, this time I am just going to focus on trusting the process. Focus on my goals. Focus on what I want to achieve. Because as I said the other day, all of this negativity is my motivation to succeed, to prove to those who have kicked me hard when I have been down that they were wrong about me. With the addition being now that I want them to think ‘I knew her once’.
I know that sometimes we have to lose everything in order to rebuild better and stronger. I acknowledge that the foundations of my life before were built on shifting sands, they weren’t deep and as a result they weren’t secure. I’ve learned this now, and I know what to do. I am not going to allow what my mother says to me to make me feel like the loser and waster she says I am. Because I know I’m not. I know this is about my transition into a new me.
And I know that I will soar.
Louisa Simpson 