I am a phoenix. That is how I would describe myself to someone. A phoenix. Because I do go through periodic huge transformations, one of which I am on the cusp of right now, and I am fiery.
How do I know that I am the phoenix emerging from the flames? The phoenix is a mythical creature who represents, amongst other things, birth and renewal. Hope. Represented as a magnificent bird, it creates a fire in which it perishes when it is time for its renewal because it re-emerges again, revitalised. I have had so much nonsense thrown at me in my life yet I have come back stronger every time. So, I am the phoenix. More specifically, I feel like I am Fawkes, the phoenix in Harry Potter where his wings got all mangy and he looked a mess before he went up in flames. Only to emerge again, beautiful and resplendent with his beautiful and majestic wings carrying everyone to safety in the Chamber of Secrets. Emerging to rescue Harry Potter when necessary, and taking Dumbledore away from danger so he could come back and fight another day rather than be imprisoned in Azkaban. That is how I would describe myself to someone – as Fawkes, the phoenix from Harry Potter.
I am due an explosion at any moment because trust me, I am pretty mangy right now. I have had explosions before, a few times. I can be mangy for years to be honest, battling away to get somewhere until I go up in flames and then emerge, better and stronger than before. The first time I built towards a shift was probably between the ages of 10 and 22. A cataclysmic time in my life for many reasons, but at the age of 22 I decided enough was enough. I changed my appearance, took more care of myself and decided to take brave and drastic steps in my life. And when I came back as the phoenix, it was marvellous. I maintained that probably until I was about 29, when I started to get mangy again. Life hadn’t been entirely plain sailing in those intervening years, it never is, the difference had been that I had not gotten worn down by it. Slowly, though, that changed and between 29 and 38 I became in dire need of that explosion. Cancer provided it to me. It gave me the head wobble I needed and the vision of the life I wanted. A life that I worked towards steadfastly, and achieved. Then, I started to go mangy again at around 49. Now, at 54, I am really mangy and long overdue that explosion.
There has been a lot go on in my life, but this latest big event (a heart attack) has made me annoyed and grateful at the same time. It wasn’t the type of heart attack I thought it was as it turned out – it wasn’t because of my lifestyle, it was because of hereditary issues and menopause. I don’t have blocked arteries or angina, I had a blood clot that decided to get into my heart valve and stop it working effectively. Just like that. I wasn’t even building up to it. It was just a blood clot that shouldn’t have formed, making a decision to go to my heart – but I am hugely grateful it didn’t take a right at the junction and go to my brain instead. Eternally grateful for that. Was it a wake up call? I’m not sure, I do know it’s made me feel a bit more mangy. A bit more ready for my explosion. So, yes, it probably was. Again, I know the life I want to live and the things I want to do (see my previous post). And I am going to do them. I actually think I’ve had that explosion today, because this wasn’t what I was going to write at all!
What does the explosion look like? Well, when I think back it usually follows the same path – the path of having had enough of my life the way it is. Of knowing I want something but it’s a bit ephemeral, not focused enough for me to really do something about it. Not tangible enough to push forward meaningfully. Until something inside me just says ‘enough’ and I get all ragey, which is me drawing a line in the sand and deciding that I am not going to live like this anymore. I am going to do something about it. What, I don’t know, but something. Things then seem to click into place, and things start to fall into my lap. At 22 I didn’t think ‘I’m jacking this life in and going to uni’. The first step was to go back to college to study history, to doing something I thoroughly enjoyed for no other reason than I enjoyed it because the other ‘stuff’ in my life wasn’t helping me. That decision led to me applying to go to university pretty soon after. At 38 when diagnosed with cancer, I didn’t think ‘I’m going to change my approach to life’, at first I just thought ‘I’m going to get over this’ until I began thinking ‘okay, that was the first half of my life, this is the second half’ and these are the things I want. Which I began to work towards, and achieved.
What I have realised is that the first explosion was about my professional side, the second was the personal side of my life. This third one is a combination of the two and underpinned by the spiritual side of me. The other week, with my heart attack, my first thought was ‘I need to make some changes in my life’ which I have made (around diet mostly), but now I’m starting to think ‘I want a whole new way of living’. I don’t know how I’m going to do that. Yet. But I am. Because I know now what the focus is, what I am aiming to achieve personally, professionally and spiritually. And I think that these three major changes have been driven by my Higher Self, my soul. All the things I have done in between have been about the earthly side of me if you like. The huge changes have been about the soul-led side of me.
So, if anyone was to ask me how I would describe myself it would be as Fawkes, the phoenix from Harry Potter. Because I go through intense periods of death and rebirth usually prompted by, as I used to say in my previous career, major exogenous shocks which are preceded by years of getting myself to a point of knowing what I truly want…and going and getting it after the fire.
Louisa Simpson 