I am listening to a book written by Simon Squibb, ‘What’s Your Dream?’ and from what I’ve heard so far, it’s good. I’d recommend it. But in the opening chapters, it poses a question which I have been thinking of and writing about for a while now. Namely, what is it you truly want?
That sounds like the easiest, most innocuous question. What do you truly want? Surely we all know the answer to that. Right? Well, no. Quite often, we don’t. I know that I didn’t deliberately ask myself that question until last year. And Simon Squibb says in his book that he realises he didn’t ask himself that question until relatively recently either. And for the most apparently innocuous question, it can be very difficult to get to an answer.
When I first asked myself that question, I was guided to by someone I know. She just came out and said it to me – what is it you truly want? At first I could feel the tumbleweed whistling through my brain. I hate being put on the spot like that! But at first, there was nothing. And then, I was hit with a barrage of things. Places I would like to live – dismissed because of, say, my son’s school or friendship group or my husband’s work. Places I would like to visit – again, dismissed because of other people. Things I want to do with my life from a career perspective – dismissed because of responsibilities. And the person who posed the question asked me again – what is it you truly want? No one else, nothing else is a consideration. What do you truly want? And I didn’t have an answer. Because I have never asked myself that question.
I can honestly say, it is one of the most difficult questions I have found to answer. I could say ‘to be happy’ but that brings a whole can of worms with it too! I could equally say, ‘to have peace of mind’ but that also requires me to think deeply as to what that means to me if I want to find that peace of mind. It’s not enough to think in those all-encompassing phrases. But it’s also true that you can have happiness and peace of mind right now, because they are both a choice. They are a mindset, and you can choose to adopt that mindset at any time you want because the only person happiness and peace of mind depend upon is you. They are no one else’s responsibility, anymore than anyone else’s happiness or peace of mind is your responsibility. But that doesn’t mean to say that having the mindset of happiness and peace of mind brings you what you truly want. It doesn’t necessarily answer the question, particularly that part that says you.
I spent too many years going along with the requirements of society – do well at education, get a well-paying job with ‘prospects’, buy a home, settle down, have children. The usual thing. And there is nothing wrong with it for the people it suits. The people who are destined to have this life in this lifetime. But it can be a form of torture for those people it doesn’t suit. I suffered through an education system that didn’t fully play to my strengths, didn’t allow me to think creatively and ask difficult questions. I wanted to study law at university…no, that’s not true. I was told I would suit a legal career because I have a strong sense of justice and I can pull a good argument together when presented with the information required. The latter would have been good, the former would likely have led me to a nervous breakdown. Deep down inside I didn’t want to study law, and I didn’t want to go to university at that point in time because I was still trying to process way too much trauma to add leaving home and going to a strange place to the list. I’d followed the mantra of studying throughout school as part of a people pleasing trait, specifically my mother. And because the idea had been planted by my absentee father. I’m sure you can see what was going on subconsciously there! Instead, I went to work in the City of London money markets. This began years of toeing the line the same as everyone else, except for 4 years when I broke out and followed a dream of studying history. Why? everyone said. What on earth can you do with a history degree? I didn’t care, I just loved the subject so much, I wanted to study it. I had vague dreams of a journalism career which was a mix of the strong sense of justice and my love of writing when I look back on it now. However, some interning in the media disabused me of any sense of justice prevailing, and I got the sense I would be stuck in the same mode as I had been in the City money markets.
So, by the time I left university I was devoid of a dream. And I didn’t ask myself what I truly wanted to do. One of the reasons this question is difficult for me is because I am something of a magpie, always lured by a ‘shiny’ thing which is usually something driven by an idea my imagination has conjured up. I am an ideas factory, which doesn’t help when you’re trying to pin your colours to a dream mast. But I have also found that when I am (very politely) asked not to come up with any more ideas for a while, that factory can go into a meltdown for a while. I am at my best when I am churning through ideas, when my creative juices are in full flow. I am very good at intuitively knowing how a business can be focused (ironic given I struggle with focus!) to be the best it can be, a bit of a business whisperer if you like. I also have a list of books to write that’s as long as your arm, and I know I will get round to writing them.
I have been told that it’s highly likely I have ADHD. I don’t really know what that means except I don’t want to medicalise it, and I don’t want to stop being an ideas factory really. I would just like a bit of direction in how to channel them. But, that has been one of the barriers in the way of identifying what I truly want. Because, really, I want to do it all. And I can’t.
When we are thinking about what we truly want, when there are other people in our lives it can be easy to default to what suits them. For me, when I was asked this question last year, I automatically thought of how what I wanted might impact my husband and son. If it was a negative impact, I dismissed it so ended up with a very watered down version of what I wanted. I hadn’t allowed myself to consider it properly because I was used to putting other people before me. Add in my parents, and my priorities fall even further down the list. I thought about starting at what I don’t want but that generally isn’t a good place to start because you end up placing too much emphasis on what you don’t want rather than on what you do. And just because you don’t want something, wanting the opposite to it could be really limiting yourself. Maybe it is about considering what you do want by thinking from the end point rather than from where you are now. Because if where you are now isn’t where you want to be, you’re potentially looking at what you do want through the wrong lens.
Sounds so easy doesn’t it? How can you look at the end point if you don’t know what you want? One of the ways I have chosen to do this is through meditation. Entering a meditative state with a clear mind, which again sounds much easier said than done. But even someone whose mind is like Tigger such as mine is, can do it. I just quite deliberately imagine nothingness. If a thought pops in, which it always does, I thank it and remove it taking myself back to that imagined nothingness. A dark, starless, moonless sky unbothered by light pollution if that helps. And then, I ask my Higher Self (not my subconscious) to paint the picture of the outcome that is truly desired. Where I am living, what I am doing, what my surroundings are like, how I am feeling, what I am smelling, what I am touching, what I am hearing, what I am wearing, who I am with, what do I know about my life…literally a full picture.
It can be painted on the canvass slowly, or explode into life like a movie on a screen. It doesn’t matter how it happens, the only thing is not to force it and to accept what you see. The image your Higher Self paints will be the one you truly want. The image your subconscious paints will be the one you think you deserve. They will be vastly different in all probability. One will dream big, the other will keep you in the confines of your limiting beliefs. That’s why always make sure you are asking your Higher Self to paint the picture and wait for it to do so.
Don’t accept the first image that pops into your head immediately after asking the question – that will be your subconscious and conscious minds rushing to fill in the gap the question leaves. It almost certainly won’t have the detail and the substance that your Higher Self will be able to provide. Meditate on this for 10-15 minutes, then write it down when you’re back in the room so-to-speak. Keep coming back to that dream. Perhaps create a vision board, maybe a digital one that you keep on your screensaver so you see it regularly. Perhaps write it down like a script, or shorten it into a mantra you repeat every day. Whatever works for you. But keep the focus on it, because the how of it will come to you.
If your dream is from your Higher Self, it will be guided by what you are here to achieve, what your purpose is. It will provide you with your why. And so, it will be fulfilling. It will be your heart’s desire, your life’s work, your magnum opus. If it’s from your subconscious or conscious minds, your why will be watery and unsure. It will be tinged with what is expected of you. The limits within which your limiting beliefs allow you to operate. And, ultimately, it will be unfulfilling. So, it’s worth taking the time to work through what it is your Higher Self is telling you. How do you know which one is which? One will feel like a bespoke suit, perfectly tailored to you so you don’t even feel you are wearing it. The other will always be, even if ever so slightly, ill-fitting.
And, as they say, if you are living your dream, you will never work a day in your life.
Louisa Simpson 