I honestly don’t think there is any purpose in regretting decisions, or risks, we have taken. They may not have turned out as we wanted them to, or as we anticipated they would, but they set us on the path we were meant to be on or we learn a huge amount from them. I have taken a risk very recently, and I already don’t regret it.
I was made redundant almost two years ago now and in the immediate aftermath, I struggled to find a job in that field. Mostly because I didn’t truly want to go back there, and because I know in my soul I am not meant to do that work anymore. This has happened to me before when I was unsure whether to go to university or get a different job. I applied for both and right up until several months before I went to university, I continued to apply for jobs. One came up that was perfect for the me I was then, I got right to the final two then heard nothing else. I was being pushed down the road of going to university, and it was absolutely the right decision for me, I was just young and still slightly unsure and scared of the unknown. If something is truly meant for you, it always comes back to you.
Anyway, nearly a year ago now, to bring money in I took a job cleaning houses. My ego really struggled with it, but the money has been a godsend and I have met some fantastically interesting people. Some genuinely lovely people and their utterly adorable pets. The whole experience has taught me so very much, I will always value the time I have spent doing it even if my ego has at times hated every minute of it. I have been doing it for 3 days a week, and recently I have been given additional hours on an additional day. Instead of feeling glad for the additional money, I felt complete and utter internal resistance to this. Completely visceral and not something I felt even the first time I cleaned a stranger’s house. And it’s not my ego for a change, the resistance is so strong I know it’s my soul. Because it is also giving me a reason that goes beyond my pride. And the reason is very simple…this is not your career, this is a stop-gap to bring in money. There is a big, big difference between the two. It means, in doing the extra hours, that the thing I am pretty sure is the direction my soul is leading me in will be curtailed. I will lose precious time to write, and I will make myself too tired to write as well. And that is something my soul is not prepared to tolerate.
I have done the additional hours a couple of times now, and my soul has been screaming at me. To the point where I have decided to take the risk it is guiding me to take – to not only not do the additional hours, but also to drop one of the three days I already do. And I know 100% it is the right thing to do because I have not once worried about it. I know that the net will appear. That there is a reason I will need the time that removing the additional day will give as it will take me forward in the way I want to go. I don’t actually even see it as a risk now that I think about it, I just see it as something that has to be done. I haven’t dropped the woman who owns the cleaning company in the dirt, by the way, I have given her a month’s notice of my intentions. She has been wonderful for me, and I want to not leave her in the lurch. But I have to do this for myself, and she is amazingly understanding and supportive especially as she knows my reasons.
I guess this isn’t really a calculated risk, I’m often not that sort of person. I am a person who takes a risk based on gut instinct or something I am guided to do so that, as in this instance, it doesn’t feel like a risk. Maybe I never truly take risks. I left a reasonable job on the City of London money markets to go to university, and I never looked back. I carried on and did my Masters degree, and I never questioned it or looked back. I thought about doing my PhD, I did a lot of work on that, but felt internal resistance. I didn’t do it, and I’ve never looked back other than when I allowed other people’s judgement of me to impact me for a brief period. I took a job after university that was a 12 month contract, rather than go for the permanent one that was being dangled, and I never looked back. I didn’t take a great job in Bath and took the risk that I would end up with no job at the end of another contract, and never looked back. And didn’t end up jobless at that time. I have taken a lot of risks that, frankly, haven’t been completely thought through but which I know have been absolutely the right decision. I will go out and then look to bring what I need in around me, but the steps have already been taken because I have known deep in my soul what I should and should not do. And this latest decision is no different.
It also means that I am making a commitment. I am showing to myself and to the universe that I mean to do this, that I am going with my path. I am following it. And I am doing so in blind faith, in the trust that the net will appear. I have a plan, and I am giving myself the time to execute it. Actually, when I think about it, it isn’t a conscious decision, trusting that the net will appear. It is a knowing. I don’t even think I have questioned it before, I have almost assumed it will all work as it should. That wasn’t necessarily true when I was made redundant. I allowed myself to absorb the energy of other people, and I began to panic internally. I knew that by the ‘September’ all would be well but, as has happened a couple of times before, I have been wrong on the year. I also allowed the worry of others to impact how I was feeling, and I was showing the universe that, intrinsically, I didn’t trust it. But also, though, I had a huge amount of learning to do about myself – of who I am, what it is I truly want, what it is that is driving me. Two years ago, I would not have written this blog for fear of being judged mostly for my spiritual beliefs. Now, I know this is my truth and if people want to judge me for it, that’s their prerogative. It doesn’t take anything away from me.
Regret is an ego-led emotion. You can’t possibly know that if you hadn’t taken the risk or the decision you did take, that things would have ended up better. It may in fact have meant that things in your life would have turned out worse, and that in making the decision you did you ended up with the least worst outcome. It’s like ending a relationship with someone and then regretting it – you ended it for a reason. I remember ending a relationship with someone, and thinking ‘what if’. Years later we rekindled our relationship, and I realised what that ‘what if’ was…not what I wanted, so it ended again categorically. There are those apparent opportunities we don’t take at the time, whether they are career-related or people, but if they were truly meant for you, they would come back around albeit perhaps in a different way. I know that I have allowed potential relationships to slip through my fingers, at the time I put it down to my insecurities then. Yes, sure, perhaps that was part of the reason but I also know myself well enough now to know that if I truly want something, really, really want something I will do what needs to be done to get it. And that if I didn’t do that, at a deeper level of me I either didn’t want it or it wasn’t the right thing.
Everything always turns out for the best in the end. Mainly because the universe/God/Source/Divine whatever you want to call it, is always acting for you. If you want to immerse yourself in the regret of a risk or decision that didn’t work out, that’s your choice. But know that doing so doesn’t change the outcome you are rueing. Nothing can, because it’s in the past. Instead, think of trying to learn the lessons as to why it didn’t work out how you thought you wanted, look at where you are now and realistically where you might have been. And work out where you truly want to be, focusing your attention on how to get there. Where you might have been is pure conjecture. Where you want to go is entirely in your power. It’s the difference between having a growth or a fixed mindset. The difference, sometimes, between success and failure.
Taking risks is a necessary part of life to move forward. Regretting them is not a good use of your time. So, before taking the risk know what you truly want. And then go for it. However it ends up, it is the best possible outcome for you.
Louisa Simpson 