There is that old saying that the past is done, the future not yet set which is why now is a present. Or something along those lines. Basically, the past is gone and we can’t change it and the future hasn’t happened yet, the only time we can control is right this second. That’s the only experience we are truly having. So, why is it so hard to live in the present?
I have to confess that I spend far too much time mindlessly living in the past, thinking about things that have happened from happy experiences to not so happy experiences. Comparing my life today to my life, say, five years ago. I replay events in my head and let either the blame of others or my self-blame play out in my mind. With the resulting bad feelings and emotions running around inside me.
I have, though, made a practice of trying to capture my thoughts and the attached emotions so I might understand my own thought process better. To learn from it and, where necessary, shift the perspective. I know that I cannot change the past, I can just learn from it or better still, release it. I know I cannot live there, and even that I probably don’t truly remember it as it actually played out at the time. Yet, I cannot stop visiting that sometimes intensely uncomfortable place. Why? There are many reasons. Nostalgia is one. I think back to my childhood and I know that I look back through rose-tinted glasses probably because beloved family members were still alive and I still miss them desperately despite the fact much of my life in my teenage years was often falling apart. There is also the sense that the past is familiar territory, even if we don’t like it. The problem is, we can often get stuck there. If we don’t resolve issues that arise from thinking about things that have gone wrong, if we don’t use it to confront the parts of ourselves – our Shadow side – that we don’t particularly like, or if we don’t use it to help our inner child it just leads to depression ultimately. Because that time is gone. And no matter what the reason is for living in the past, it has ended and you cannot bring it back.
One of the things I do when I catch myself falling into the trap of the past is just to focus on where I am, what I am looking at, what I can smell, what I can touch, and what I can hear. This is especially useful if I am starting to get upset about something I am thinking of because I am grounding myself in the present. Whatever it was I was thinking of about my past is gone, I am here right now. Currently sitting in my kitchen, working on my laptop, listening to the dog snoring, looking at the words I am typing. My feet are firmly planted on the ground and I am lowering my shoulders from being around my ears. I am conscious of myself physically and mentally. And in so doing, I cannot think of the past. Another thing I do is focus on my breathing. Deep, lung-filling breaths that push out my stomach. In through the nose and out through the mouth. Focusing on how that feels, on whether I am breathing shallowly or deeply. Is my stomach expanding or are my shoulders rising again. And when I breathe out through my mouth, am I expelling all the air from my lungs, is my stomach going back down again, are my shoulders still lowered. It grounds me in the present, in this moment and all the old anxieties and emotions about the past are released. The trick is to be conscious of your thought processes and know when you’re getting stuck where you need not be. Because only then can you change it.
Similarly, living in the future is damaging because that’s where you can easily catastrophise. The future can be the place where all your anxieties can come to life and with it all the negative emotions. So, if you’re worried about work or finances the future is the place where you can play out the worst possible scenario in your mind, where you can allow fear to have free rein even though what you are thinking probably has no real basis in reality at all. It is just your ego mind racing to the conclusion it has concocted. Often, this is to keep you safe. It works on the basis that if you anticipate the worst possible outcome, you can avoid it by taking different actions or you can be prepared when it comes so it won’t hurt so much. The problem is, you can get yourself into such a state of stress and anxiety that you go into paralysis and there is no creative thought process occurring to work out the solution. Fight, flight or freeze mode in essence. All you are fixated on is the problem.
For every problem, though, there truly is a solution. You just have to be in the right mindset to work out what it is otherwise you will only bring what you fear to you. You’re telling your Reticular Activating System subconsciously to look for all the ways what you fear is true and in its own inimitable style, it will do exactly that for you without fail. But, if you task it with finding the opportunities, the solutions to your problem it will equally do that perfectly too. You just have to keep going with it. It doesn’t happen overnight, but it does happen. It’s about staying present so you can see when those solutions and opportunities are right there in front of you. Because if you’re still focused on the future, you’re going to miss them.
People often say to visualise what you do want rather than what you don’t for your future, and that is true to an extent. If you are looking at it as something in the future, though, you will keep it there. Just out of reach. If, instead, you focus your mind on the opportunities and possibilities that will get you to where you want to go, it’s a whole different thought process. It’s one that is anchored in the here and now, one that focuses the mind on how to get you to where you want to be. That’s when ideas can pop into your head. You can read something and it can spark a real AHA moment inside you and suddenly you’re running with the best idea for, say, a new product or service or business. And it keeps you in the present. Because the truth is, this second right now is the only one that counts because it is the only one you have control over. The past is gone, the future not yet written. But the present can help dictate the story for tomorrow if you’re rooted in the now and how it can help you achieve your dreams and ambitions. And by being present for every second you are taking those small steps forward towards the outcome you want. And you’re seeing the opportunities, seeing the possibilities, and you’re acting upon them.
This stuff isn’t easy, it doesn’t happen overnight. I haven’t perfected it yet myself. But I do know that I am a lot further forward today because I listen to my thoughts, I feel my emotions and try to get to the bottom of them if they are negative and turn them around in this moment. In that way, I am living in the present (even if my thoughts and emotions I am paying attention to aren’t always!), and you can too. Try it, keep going with it, and you will be surprised at the reduction of those moments of worry and anxiety.
I’m not saying to forget your happy memories or not have pleasant daydreams about your ideal future, far from it. We all need those moments in time to cherish. The lesson, though, is that we just cannot live in them. Make the present your home and that present will become a happy memory where your daydreams started to become reality.
Louisa Simpson 